Non-lethal weaponry for Kiev: Kik ramps up waterpistol production

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Satire by Florian Schaar 

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Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau

Published February 11, 2016

February 12, 2015

Translated from the German by Tom Winter

The retail chain Kik is already preparing for the planned failure of the Minsk negotiations. This communique was released from the Kik central office: “When the negotiations fail, according to plan, then we want to be ready, and profit from the merchandising of weapons. Kik is long since an old hand at the production of non-lethal waterpistols, and this looks like a great commercial opportunity.”

“We don’t have a broad assortment, but we do stock something for every circumstance. And so, along with small caliber rapid-fire pistols with low water usage, we also offer bigshooters, which, though they run out of water quickly, soon have your enemy standing out in the rain.” 

Though the worldwide ban on supplying kindergartens with water bombs is borderline, Kik sees no ethical conflict there: “For those who tolerate child labor in Bangladesh, certainly the waterbombs ought be the lesser evil.”

The Ukrainian army wants to use the waterbombs to drench enemy mortar fire.

But Kik has no solution for one problem: “During the winter, the rifles freeze over and jam. Our engineers in Pakistan are already at work on a solution to this problem. Meanwhile, waterbombs are more effective anyway.”

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