Ukraine becomes US 51st State

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Published December 3, 2014 in Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau

Satire in German by Florian Schaar

February 4, 2015

Translated from German by Tom Winter

After the installation of the members of the US-controlled Puppet Government, the logical next step occurred today. The Ukrainian administration has put in its request for admission as the 51st state of the Union. The background to this action is that various US citizens, who were about to be settled into the Ukrainian government, refused to take up Ukrainian citizenship. Ukraine allows its people only one citizenship: Ukrainians who go around with a double passport are subjected by the state to strong penalties.

“We consider that in this way, we can kill two birds with one stone. The Russian aggressor will now have to think twice, about whether they are going to assault American territory,” revealed one government spokesperson. 

It is intended that Petro Poroshenko will assume office as the governor of this newly created state of the Union. Yatsenyuk, Tyanibok, Yarosh, and Lyashenko will be sent to the House of Representatives and to the US Senate, to take their place with their peers.

Georgia and Puerto Rico have entered protests, since they were expecting to become the 51st state. As is already known, Georgia’s request was stymied because there is already a state of the Union with that same name. Uniting Georgia with the already-named Georgia would have solved this difficulty, but this solution was rejected by the Georgians, as they wanted to remain a sovereign state and to maintain their territorial integrity. They also were displeased with renaming their capital “Alabama,” even though, to sweeten the deal, Lynyrd Skynyrd offered to rename his song “Sweet Home Tbilisi.”

Puerto Rico, for its part, ever since its annexation in 1898, has been attempting to become a participant in full standing in the US, and to shed its colonial status. The Puerto Rican people see themselves as first in line for recognition as the 51st State, and accordingly are not pleased with the new competitors.

Amidst such negotiations, a rejection came in from Washington: At the present time, no further annexations of backward lands are under consideration. They could only entail expense, and they could not be properly exploited. 

It would be disastrous for the US economy, when the colonies suddenly turned about and sued the mother country, because, for instance, people were getting paid less than the US minimum wage.

This being the case, the status as colony is all that remains for Ukraine.

Translator’s note: Satire is often truth; sometimes it is prophecy. Cf. the latest evidence of US governance here.

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