In Kiev, total gridlock
Satiric commentary by Florian Schaar
April 20, 2015
Translated from German by Tom Winter
Well it finally happened. After Russia’s 183rd invasion of Ukraine, they’ve completely run out of parking places to accommodate any more Russian troops, tanks, howitzers, rocket launchers, or cruise missiles. “We’re stuck here in the gridlock! No need for Putin to attack any more. The place is completely occupied, in the literal sense of the word!”
Public employees are finding themselves unable to get to work. Public transport is at a standstill, and the rickshaw drivers are charging astronomical fees. Bicycle? Good idea, but all the bicycles are sold out.
To get a handle on the crisis, the Department of the Interior has embarked on drastic measures. “When just lately an old woman phoned us to complain that she couldn’t go shopping because all downtown was cluttered with Russian tanks, it became clear to us that we had to do something to solve the parking problem,” said a spokesman by means of a circular that the staff of AMR is releasing.
As a first measure we are leasing open fields in neighboring Poland. “There the Russians can park any further war materiel so that the streets can be open again and the worst of the parking problem can be resolved.”
However, this rental arrangement entails some risk, since Poland is a NATO member and this deal could be interpreted as a declaration of war. Solution? “We have identified Polish private contractors. The government and NATO know nothing about it, and the probability that they will find out about it is minimal: since they couldn’t find any Russian tanks in their satellite photos, they are even less likely to get any photographic evidence there in Poland.”
Nevertheless, the Kiev administration is working hard to find some alternative work-around, and are now in talks with Belarus, which in turn is linked with Moscow. And that ought to present no problems, since the road to Minsk would be shorter.