Putin assaults Germany with sleet, hail, and ice.


Satire by Hagen Grell

Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau, April 1, 2015

April 7, 2015

Translated from German by Tom Winter

Our songbirds are not singing from the rooftops, for the passerines are frozen solid. The Russian president once again is dealing his devilish game in Deutschland. Instead of springtime here in Germany, we have to undergo sleet and ice storms, such as never before have greeted the month of April. Whether it is an April Fool, or a serious provocation of Russian president Vladimir Putin awaits further investigation.

Vladimir Putin already possesses an array of fiendish weaponry, a cloak-tank, which annihilates every trace of its existence, a Klingon cloaking device, rockets that actually work, and several others. Yet, whether he can achieve a breakout of winter weather here in spring, has the experts puzzled. Only thing known for sure, is that it is Putin’s fault.

Yet, how is it possible to manage such manipulation of the weather? Is Putin able, through nozzles secretly positioned in Russia, to shift the orbit, and cool the world? Has Putin caged the earth in satellites that hold us in a heat-reflecting force-field?  Has Putin got the capability of regulating the solar temperatures with thermonuclear disruption-generators? Or is he manipulating the gravitational field of the Milky Way, in order to freeze Germany?

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A further theory, and one advanced by the leading experts, is that Putin is spreading chemtrails, using military refueling planes to manipulate the weather with nano-particles of aluminum. This technology was pioneered by the US during the Viet Nam War, and has doubtless been developed and perfected to the point that it can be used over Germany.

Putin’s air tankers serenely covering Germany with chemtrails

This theory would explain why Jörg Kachelmann [one of Germany’s leading weather forecasters] has turned into a chemtrail theory hater since the courts found him “not guilty” on that rape charge: Putin blackmailed him so he would sternly decry every mention of “chemtrails” as the price of his freedom. Even so, experts speculate “Did Ben Weatherbird* have to die so that Putin’s chemtrail plans could stay hidden?”

One thing, at least, is clear: it is too cold for spring. Experts explain that it’s long past the time when pretty women should be jogging through the parks in airy revealing garb or in their spandex tights. How long must we wait, the experts are asking.  We shiver, and wonder: How long are the Russians going keep on hitting us with this stunt?

*Germany’s other well-known weatherman

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