Russia’s Week in Humor for May 15, 2015


May 15, 2015

Russia’s Week in Humor

By J.Hawk

This is the inaugural edition of a new Fort Russ feature, Russia’s Week in Humor. It will appear on Fridays, and contain the week’s best political humor from Russia’s blogosphere and social media. Enjoy!


“Only in Ukraine can the symbol of victory over fascism be a decoration that looks like a gunshot wound on your chest.” 


“What was actually at the parade”

“What the State Department saw”

How it was…

“Why don’t you tell us a few words about your war”
“Well, at first I was knifing the Poles, then the Red Army showed up and I crapped my pants.”

“Hello, SBU? My neighbor is watching the Victory Parade.”


“A selfie, Russian-style” 

News from the Madhouse

 Petro Poroshenko: “The international boycott of the parade on Moscow’s Red Square demonstrated the world’s support for Ukraine.”


“I am convinced that Ukrainian will become official within the EU”

“Have you gone nuts? Your tongue is only good for licking American asses”


“Hey, what are you watching over there?”

“Nothing, Mom!”


“Aleksey Alekseyich, how much does tobacco cost these days?”

The Ukraine-EU visa-free regime works approximately like this:

Will it be enough?

“If you sold all of Ukraine, would it be enough to cover the new government’s debts?”


“US Ambassador to Ukraine”


“Russia is marking the 70th Anniversary of Victory over Germany, while the US the 40th anniversary of defeat. By VIETNAM! Yes, it’s just a coincidence. A trivial thing. But a nice one.”


“Nobody will ever put Ukraine on its knees! It will remain where it is, face down in the manure…If the US and Europe ever lift it up, it’s because they’ll want to do it doggy-style…”

Let’s calculate…

“The liberals like to calculate how much Crimea cost us. Let’s recall the ’90s and calculate how much the liberals cost us.”

How the meeting went

Obama: “Hi, Kerry! How did the meeting go? Did you put everyone in their place?”
Kerry: “Enough fighting, Obama! Poroshenko must not violate Minsk Agreements! His efforts to retake the Donetsk Airport are destructive!”


Something like that…

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Ukraine: “You promised me association!”
US: “I didn’t promise anything.”
EU: “Just wait a little”
Ukraine: “Where’s my association!”
EU: “Here, catch” [book of EU laws falls…]
Poland: “Lvov!? You here?”

According to Euroukrobloggers…

“According to Euroukrobloggers, Kerry went to Sochi to express the Euroukrobloggers demands.”

“The free and independent Ukraine is now worried mainly about what Kerry and Lavrov decide to do with it in Sochi.”

Not slaves

“In accordance with established tradition, meetings where Ukraine’s fate is decided take place without its participation. But they are ‘not slaves’.”

Submissively dropping to the feet of Poroshenko the Moon-faced and Sunlike

Headline: “Kerry reported to Poroshenko the results of his meeting with Putin.”

Off his rocker

Ukraine’s Foreign Minister Pavlo Klimkin: “I am involved in Euroatlantic integration, but I’ll say the following about European one: the EU must end discussing Ukraine’s membership and start working to make it happen.”

Petka gets around

“Say, is Petka here too?” 

“Yes, he’s washing my Victory.”

 Good morning!

“I am Ukrainian

I am rich and wise

I earned everything through my labor

I believe in the future of my country

I am Ukrainian”

Whatever they put in that dumpling, it seems to be pretty potent stuff…

Meanwhile in Poland…

A not so subliminal Polish TVN24 geopolitical weather forecast depicting Poland with its 1939 eastern border.


“You keep nodding off. But Kim Jong Un had his Minister of Defense shot for that. From anti-aircraft gun. From an anti-aircraft gun, Dima!”


“If I am not to your liking, feel free to shoot yourself. I am not about to change.”

We’ll soon find out…

“We’ll soon find out that Ukraine can be successful without Lvov, and that actually Kiev is enough.”

Magazine headline reads: “Ukraine can become successful without Crimea and Donbass.”

 A little humor

“Petya promised to fight for the country until the last drop.”

“The US may remove Poroshenko because of illegal construction. But that he killed thousands of innocent people does not bother them at all.”

“I don’t have a brain. I don’t have a heart. I don’t have courage.”

“Relax, guys, it’s no longer a problem”

“Ukraine Information Forces”

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