Russia’s Week in Humor for July 23, 2015


July 23, 2015

Russia’s Week in Humor for July 23, 2015

Translated from Russian by J.Hawk

 “I will never permit my country to turn into Ukraine”
–President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe

 Western observers of the OSCE

 Polish Foreign Minister in history class

 Merkel: “I had a dream I was the President of Earth!”
Obama: “And I had a dream that I was the President of the Universe!”
Putin: “And I had a dream that I didn’t appoint either of you…”

 “Obama’s nightmare”

 “Whoever comes to us with a sword
is, frankly, a moron.”

 If you wanna look cool, stick your arm out of the window.

 Russia’s FSB is monitoring Klichko’s conversations. Just for laughs.

 Putin: “Such a little fish…I’m gonna release back into the water.”
Fish: “But what about the three wishes?”
Putin: “OK, what do you want?”

 Ukraine’s new national symbol

 “Ukraine’s postal service released a stamp bearing Poroshenko’s face. But it turned out it’s not sticking to the letters–people are spitting on the wrong side!”

 Chelyabinsk brain teasers are also hardcore…

 Sign on the door: “Do not enter. Danger to life”
“Hey, you stupid or something?”

 Briefly about Nuland’s visit to the Maidan in 2014

 Toyota: Drive a Dream
Honda: Drive Reality
Nissan: Exceeding Expectations
Ford: Feel the Difference
Kia: The Art of Surprise
Mitsubishi: A Change for the Better
Infiniti: Rebellious Passion
Land Rover: Elevate
VAZ: Don’t complain, we’ll get there.

 Minions are Ukrainians
1. Very gullible
2. Blue and yellow
3. Help all manner of evildoers (especially from the US)
4. Whatever they do, it has the opposite effect.
5. They speak an emotional language which constantly changes so that nobody understands it, not even themselves.

 “If need be, we’ll enter the EU.
All the way to the Netherlands!”

 Nothing can stop the Russians.
Party means party.

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 “If somebody doesn’t like the idea of restoring USSR, we’ll settle for the 1870 borders.”

 “It’s merrier with Mr. Putin!
World order and twice as fast!”

 “Breaking news! Video proof! Russian battle cats are joining Novorossia Army!”

 “Maybe it’s time to reduce the sanctions on Russia?”

 “Petya, I’m retiring.”

 Find 10 differences
Ukraine–Right Sector–Mukachevo

 Hello. What did you write about Putin?

 “That feeling with Right Sector Nazis have declared themselves a national liberation movement and called for a referendum”

 “Ukraine is closely copying the Russian 1990s:
–Fights in the parliament
–Oligarchs in key posts

–Love for the US
And it will end with a New Year’s “I’m tired, I’m leaving”, and the appointment of Putin

 Selected facts about Russia according to foreigners

 A meeting of Normandy Four:
–Guten Tag!
–Give us money, please!

 Soon in Mukachevo

 We’re not Gazprom, but we can also deliver warmth to NATO homes

 If one is to die, one should die with music
[A pun on the Right Sector leader Muzychka, killed in Transcarpathia in 2014]

 “Hypothetically speaking, if Ukrainian media were to suddenly tell the truth, 85% of the population would go insa,ne, 5% would shoot themselves, but the rest would be OK.”

 Cigarette lighter faces when they learned they are Ukraine’s only source of gas.

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