Flamby offers Mistrals as proof of his loyalty

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Flamby exhibits a stiff upper lip.



Satire by Tom Winter


Another phone intercept…

Obama: Okay Flamby, what’s the big idea of letting people from your own senate go to Crimea? Don’t you have any control over your countrymen?

Flamby: They’re all Republicans! How can I stop them? Can you stop your Republicans? And our Parliament is not the US Senate.

Obama: Our Republicans are all down with our State Department’s Russia policy, and so am I. Why aren’t you?

Flamby: But I am. I can prove it! Do you know what it cost us to obey your ambassador?

Obama: What are you talking about?

Flamby: The Mistrals! Jane [US Ambassador to France, Obama appointee Jane Hartley — tr] told us again and again not to turn them over to Russia, and so we didn’t.

Obama: Yeah, so?

Flamby: It cost us over a billion! Our big shipyards are in cobwebs. Unemployment is up. Every month that those tubs sit there rusting in French waters, we’re paying upkeep and insurance. We’re bleeding money, and all just to impress Jane!

Obama: Tough.

Flamby: And that’s not all. Obeying Jane means we can’t sell to other countries, because they know we have to clear every sale with Jane! Those Mistrals are a floating proof of our faithfulness!

Obama: Maybe so, but our State Department still hasn’t forgiven you for the trouble you made in Minsk. Twice, Flamby! Twice! What the hell were you thinking? We’re trying to ignore that, but it’s not getting easier.

Flamby: And then there’s our problem with India. They bought a huge number of our Rafales.

Obama: What the hell is a Rafell?

Flamby: Rafale! It’s our newest jet fighter. Contract in the billions!

Obama: So?

Flamby: When we obeyed Jane, India dropped the order. They’re buying Sukhoi 30s from Russia instead of Rafales from us. They’re afraid Jane would not approve of us supplying them with parts and maintenance. If that’s not proof enough of our loyalty to you and Jane, what is?


And those sanctions we agreed to. You have any idea how much our pig farmers used to sell to Russia?

Obama: Oh, oink! Flamby, you’ve got me confused with someone who gives an oink.

Flamby: Oh, sir, it’s nothing to oink at! Counter-sanctions are costing our pig farmers another Billion! And all to try to keep Jane happy.

I must add, though, that I’m delighted that you are speaking French to me instead of English. That’s a kindly touch.

Obama: Well actually, Flamby, it’s so I can call you “tu” instead of “vous.” Or in German Du instead of Sie, or in Russian ты instead of Вы.

Flamby: Sir, I venture to say you are too cruel to your faithful servant.

Rock solid proof of Flamby’s loyalty to Jane

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