Klim Podkova: Don’t worry. Things here in Ukraine are going just super

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“Glory to Ukraine”

Klim PODKOVA, January 7, 2016

Translated from Russian by Tom Winter
Hi there, Ivan!

Thank you for your happy New Year greetings! I’m glad you did not forget me, or turn away. I am sure that there’s no scum that could destroy our friendship and that the truth will prevail, despite the machinations of your Putin.

I realize from your letter that you worry about me. I am pleased about your concern, but I hasten to disappoint you: here in Ukraine, things aren’t just going good, but great! 

You won’t believe this, but in the past two years since the Maidan Ukraine has made great strides in absolutely all areas! Do not trust your Russian TV! Does it say Ukraine is on the decline? False! Yes, export of Ukrainian goods to Russia has really dropped. Will the Russian economy survive this blow? I do not know.

Actually Ukraine, by quitting its cooperation with Russia, will surely win a place in the European markets. Just look at these numbers over the past year for export of Ukrainian goods to the EU: Nuts, up 25%! Wool up 10%! Products made of straw, up 21% !!! What can you say against these numbers? – Nothing.

Ukraine is driving Russia out of the market even in Russia! Can you imagine?! In your own in St. Petersburg, by Russian statistics, every third prostitute is Ukrainian, and in Moscow – every second! The ones from Ukraine, Moldavia, and the Baltics have all but monopolized the market, and have driven the Russians out (Please note that the palm goes to representatives of countries that have broken with Russia and oriented to the EU!) 

According to the St. Petersburg porno chief, director and producer Sergei Pryanishnikov, whereas earlier “the adult film performers were 70% of them Ukrainians, now their number has gone up to 90%”!

While you’re there, don’t miss seeing lifestyles film “Gay-guy Sparkler” — Ukraine has adapted to the values of European culture: already it’s been decided to rebroadcast three European porn channels! I am sure that soon we will legalize marijuana and cigarettes with “grass” will be available right in the school cafeteria. 

My dream is to see a new generation of Ukrainians who have grown up in western style freedom – I am sure Russia will be blown away!

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A concern for the common man? If the Russians get no break from working in the factories of oligarchs, the Ukrainians are free of it. Many Ukrainian companies offer their employees multiple months of vacation! And even forcibly send them to furlough 5, 6, 8 months on end! I just see you bite your elbows.

No surprise that Ukraine has become one of the most attractive countries in Europe. Here’s something for you to worry over: they’re saying the Poles want to regain Western Ukraine. Do not look at Russian TV – it distorts the truth, because actually it’s the other way around: the Poles want to join to the western regions of Ukraine, and thus become part of our country. I am personally against it, After all, what are these hicks to our prosperous country? 

I see you touch upon the topic of visa-free regime, that they’re not going to give it to Ukraine. Vanya, you want to know the real reason they won’t? The EU is afraid that when a visa-free regime with Ukraine comes into force, Europe will go belly-up: hundreds of thousands of Europeans will leave and will rush to Ukraine. And leave only the elderly and young children there, as all the able-bodied citizens abandon them for us.

By the way, here’s something you didn’t know: already for many years in the building trades, the guys from Voronezh, Kursk, and Rostov are going to Ukraine to work. Therefore, in these regions there’s great excitement: people see the truth and want to secede from Russia and join up with Ukraine.

The Ukrainian Embassy in Moscow is littered with applications to take Ukrainian citizenship. But in Ukraine there simply aren’t enough certificates to hand them out to everybody, so we give citizenship only to those who really deserve it, giants like Mikhail Saakashvili, Maria Gaidar, Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

And they’re putting you on about the blockade of Crimea, too. Well lately there was this youtube in which a the resident of Kherson invited UAF soldiers to visit his wonderful city. He said into the camera: “Go to KHER-son” [“Kher” meaning “d#ck” in Russian] It’s just that your journalists cut out the last part. So typical of your Putinian false propaganda!

In conclusion I would say that Ukraine is well on its way. We do not need your Santa Claus, we have St. Nicholas, we have Verka Serduchka.

Verka Serduchka

And if Russia greets 2016 as the year of the red monkey, in Ukraine it’s the white fox … 

P.S. In memory of our old friendship, send $200. 
Glory to Ukraine!

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