|President of France contemplates the newest work of his ghost writer|
Satire by Tom Winter
Dull-speaking Hollande has hired Pierre-Yves Bocquet as his new speechwriter. Cool Music Critic Bocquet is well known as “Mr Evil.” Our spies sort through Pierre-Yves Bocquet’s notebook. Is Mr Evil evil enough? They found this sample. You decide…
Draft. Eyes only.
“The time has come for France to enter the Union as the 51st State. Even without being occupied, we French have over and over again, in Bosnia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria, demonstrated our loyalty to the principles of American democracy and to the private enterprise system, and it is now high time we were granted the equality that our loyalty has earned, and to which American citizenship would entitle us.
“Though there are many in Europe, and even here in France who denounce our colonial status, the simple fact is, that there is a strong Anti-American thread in European politics, and it costs nothing for European politicians to sneer at France for its colonial status. In Germany the left sneers at us for obeying our American ambassador over the Mistrals. Merkel and Wagenknecht should talk! They’ve got a whole nest of mainland Mistrals! Mistrals are nothing to Rammstein!
“And if Germany and Ukraine want to crowd ahead of us in line for statehood, as if deserving it, let me remind the US that our loyalty is freely given, not secured by occupying forces, not bribed by the wealth that pours in with occupation, not bonded by a flood of loyalty-claiming indebtedness. We are neither occupied like Germany nor in debtor’s prison like Ukraine.
“The fact is, we have the colonial status without the colonial benefits. Look at Germany; they’ve got US Air Force for all of Europe and even Africa plus NATO HQ; 56,000 Americans there, with a combined payroll of a billion point three dollars every year; with another half billion a year going to support services.
We could have that, but no. DeGaulle gave the US a year to get out of France, and the Yankees oozed over to Germany like so many amoebas. All that money down the drain! Think what that would to for French unemployment problems! $700 million in jobs created! Ramstein. Give us American Statehood, and WE could have our own Ramstein, and just leave Germany Rammstein the hard metal rock band.”