Panama Papers expose Putin’s neighbor’s cat!

Where do the cat treats come from? A contraband post office box in the US?

Florian SCHAAR

In Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau, April 8, 2016

Satire translated from German by Tom Winter

9000 British companies and 6000 American ones are expected to show up in the Panama Papers. The reader of the reputable Western news magazines might be nervous that something might go wrong in our world. 

But there is an all-clear as the whistleblowers assure us that some of the contents will remain secret, and fortunately, just in time for western ears, there are also, completely sufficient charges against the Russian supervillain Vladimir Putin!

It now turns out that Putin’s neighbor’s cat had a post office box in the country of birth of John McCain, through which his contraband Wiskas Cat Treats got smuggled past the liberal Western sanctions against Russia. It is impossible that Putin knew nothing about this. 

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Finally, there is photographic evidence, with intimate expressions of love, between the errant Ivan and the bewhiskered little beastie. [Photo above]

But that is still far from everything. Because then this evidence would be pretty thin. The investigative journalists of the Suddeutsche Zeitung have found that the cat has more outstanding connections to the Russian despot.

 So this comes from association of a Smolensk potato farmer who supplies a supermarket chain with peeled potatoes, where the brother-in-law of Putin’s barber’s sister goes shopping. This person in turn, has a daughter whose dog (a male), has often mounted another dog. And the owner of this dog happens to have the initials V. P. – Like Vladimir Putin! And his wife plays the cello! And and also has friends from kindergarten.

Phew. The world is right again!

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